The rain reminds me of many things. It reminds me of the wounds I thought were healed as well as the time that had gone by since that day. I often wonder why things turned out the way it did but I can't dwell too much on that, now that I have supposedly moved on. It's just that, during these rainy days in May, I mourn over something that have long since died.

I find myself running a lot whenever I face my past and in a way, I let it control me. Pain, bitterness and regret clouded my mind of what could have potentially saved me and the longer I dwelt on them, the more the old wounds started to reopen, taking over my thoughts again.

I then realize that I have not settled scores with my demons. I realize that the past still hurts and I am still the whining little baby asking for mommy to make it go away. I haven't really grown up, I just found myself another explanation to make it seem smaller than it actually is.

If I had actually grown up, I'd have realized that there ARE going to be people that will hurt, betray and put you down. If I had grown up, I wouldn't expect anyone to get me out of my own problems --I'd have to face it on my own. If I had grown up, I'd have realized that I can't run forever. Finally, if I had grown up, I'd have known that everything catches up eventually.

I guess I forgot what life was supposed to be about. I might not know what it is exactly, but I know that it's not meant to be lived with despair and abandon. It comes from a cold and harsh acceptance of "What Is." I mean, the ground seems closer when you're on your knees, right? Tori Amos said that in Death and the High Cost of Living and I guess, it's the most appropriate quote I've got to spare for now. The faster I accept the shitty things I go through in life, the faster I can accept it and be happy. The longer I stay in that rainy day five years ago, the harder it is for me to look forward into a better future.

I don't know when I can find the strength to carry my burden alone but it doesn't necessarily have to be a burden anymore once I get it off the ground. I might even one day wear it proudly, so as to say that I have overcame. I can't keep crying in the darkness and wait for people to get me out of it, I have to own up to my own responsibilities, first and foremost, to myself who I have carelessly forgotten to care about. I owe myself that at least. I can't make promises I can't keep nor would begin making them now, but I will not -I will not- run away from myself any longer. If I do, I will punish myself even more. If that is the way to learn the world's lesson of reality, then so be it -- embrace thy pain and let it define you.

I'm so tired of running. I want it to end, without me being a casualty.

Thanks for knocking some sense into me, labs. I really appreciate the wake-up call