I think I came down with something this weekend... I don't know what but it was rather unpleasant. One could blame the questionable food I have eaten in Robinson Galleria's foodcourt last Friday or it could have been the excruciating headache I had the time I got home from my trip. Amidst this, the weekend was a test of wills for yours truly.

Neslie visited my house at around 730am on Friday. We did nothing productive but watch an episode of Hustle, getting him hooked to the series. Aside from that, we just talked about the stuff we both have been missing. The 1st sem HAS been awfully demanding for us so we don't really hang out that much anymore. It was a good thing that he visited, he even got to see the near-complete roofdeck. We have been planning to have a really good symposium some time but it never pushes through -- I really need it. But I guess I can't expect it to push through with the now-snowballing schedules. He left at around 11am.

I fell asleep a few hours later and I felt my stomach churning. It ached a great deal as I felt it contract tighter in my abdomen. I wanted to vomit and as I begin to gag, I realized that my stomach was empty yet something was making its way up. It couldn't be anything good so I quickly gulped down a glass of water and tried to relieve myself of the pain. The taste of your own bile is wretched as I can testify. What's worse is this kept happening throughout the week. I feel like I wanna cough up my guts or something every 5 seconds -- I wouldn't be surprised if I one day cough up an organ. What's more is that it is painful... excruciatingly painful -- you run out of breath after cough your guts out and it hurts so much right after. I don't know what's wrong with me, it feels like I'm being ripped apart.

Saturday as especially trying as I struggled without anything to distract myself. My internet was down and my brother was away (much to my relief). I had the whole room to myself and it was a very, very quiet place. I started to hear my inside voices burbling up once I was alone in the house. I fought every impulse to text her (from Neslie's advice). Texting her would be weak and needy -- I don't need that right now, I have to surpass my vulnerability which, in effect, had me throwing my cellphone to the wall and calling it a day.

Exasperated, I began watching House Season 3 straight while shuffling my cards over and over. It was a good 3 hours of constantly shuffling my deck, my fingers ached but at least they were busy. I wouldn't text her, I wouldn't be needy... I wouldn't be disappointed. It was at this time that I realized that I might be going insane or in more polite terms, need help. I have figured out that I ran on some sort of twisted logic that made me feel like God amidst my shortcomings. The fact is, there ARE people who care for me once I give them a chance to and I shouldn't stay locked in my room fighting myself. For now though, I wanted to do so and I did some really quiet meditating while trying to work through the pain I was feeling from yesterday.

I... do not... want to make these people worry anymore so I want to get better. I have to, I realized that.

Feeling like crap goes with the withdrawal I guess. I'm allowing myself to feel pain again, to get angry again, to get sad again then maybe, maybe, I can start to feel happy after all that. I don't know, I hope so. In any case, I'm in pain -- bottomline. It all hurts, it hurts so much. I just want to throw up everything inside me because it's too painful to keep it all in.

Goddammit, I need some medication. Argh, shoot me please.