I have always had one creed in life; one thing to believe in and that was shattered a long time ago. What now then? I guess... for me... it's all about starting over. Back to basics like I said. So, where did it all start? Oh yes, him, on the left.

If life was anything, I'd describe it as the decision of suicide. I'm serious. I've flipped the argument over and under since a long time ago and my perspective hasn't changed. Why so grim? Because I do not find a lot of things... important in life. Heck, I don't feel important and the thing is time will go on without me. When I cash in, it wouldn't matter in the end of things. Maybe you'd matter for the moment but after that, you're pretty much wormfood. So... the question of suicide... why keep on going?

I used to think that the answer was easy: because I have to live for someone. Eventually though, those aspirations have been shattered over and over in the course of 5(?) years. As each attempt to find a meaningful relationship turns into a hapless quest, I soon realized that these people just wouldn't give a damn if I sacrificed much of my time and effort for them. It goes along the lines of being an option while treating everyone as a priority kind of thing. In the midst of this, I have become far from being strong and instead have grown weak and needy of human contact -- it's just disappointment wherever I go but as some of my friends comment, that goes with the package. It's kinda sad to think that everyone's a walking disappointment and I'm sorry if my glass is half-empty but that's just the way it is. In the end, living for someone does not give me an answer to the question of suicide. I can dedicate myself to people I care about but I shouldn't expect anything more from them... not anymore at least.

Second, I thought that I should live for myself; dedicate a life in the pursuit of happiness so to speak. This answer hit the dead end right after it got to the floor unfortunately as I realized that I do not know anymore what makes me happy. I mean, building up an impenetrable logical wall kinda saps all the emotions out of you. When that's gone and you want to give emotions a try, you end up not knowing where to start. So scratch that, my pursuit of happiness is not the answer... heck, if I was happy would I even ask that question in the first place? -_-

Third is to just run away from the question. I've tried that and it worked for a while until it caught up to me. And by caught up, I mean hit me straight on with the force of an 18-wheeler truck on full speed. This, my friends, have caused some very uncomfortable sleeping patterns and headaches. I can not run away from the question in my given state... I have nothing else to think about! My whole world, my whole universe, revolves around that one question and it jabs at my side every time I'm alone. Why should I keep living if there is nothing to live for? I think I hear it now. So yeah, can't run away.

Next and probably the most simple answer would be, live just because you can. I actually came upon this answer when I was reading Death: The High Cost of Living. I don't know why I feel better whenever I read it, it just makes me think that my life, well, might not be important but at least, I can make it what I want it to be. I ought to have fun when I can, get angry when I can, cry when I can, etc etc but I shouldn't throw life away just because I was starting to find it "inconvenient." A life can always mean more given the circumstance and maybe that's why I still go out with my friends, allow myself to love and even appreciate a cool sunny afternoon once in a while. It's all because it's ultimately up to me to give meaning to it -- I might not know what I'm heading towards to with this lifetime of mine right now but I might as well enjoy the trip and try not to careen off the road and burn in a blazing pile. That's just bad publicity.

This answer perhaps is the most wishy-washy of them all -- it has no clear guidelines or standards, just a different way of asking the problem. Instead of asking why should I keep on living, it asks instead, why not keep on living? It's amazing how everything falls into place once you turn the question around -- the answers seem easier and sometimes, you can find waaaaay better answers as well. Right now though, these answers don't really matter because I feel like life just shat all over me. In these times, a person, no matter how logical and rational he can be, comes to the point of giving up everything he has lived up for -- if indeed, he lived up to anything at all. That's me, ladies and gentlemen -- I am that person and right now, I do not want any answers to uplift me to a new-found epiphany of self-worth just yet.

No

I want to feel like I have been ran over by a freight train and hopefully from there, start over. Back to basics like I said and ask the question of suicide. It's not an option I'm willing to take... but it most certainly is an option I'm willing to entertain...

Tch. Bad night. Gonna look for some medications now. Later.