Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Transit
How long can you keep on running?You hide between places, my friend -- in places no one would ever think to look for you and for what reason? Are you perhaps afraid of the things that are impending? Will staying in-between really prevent the inevitable finish? You stay up at night hoping tomorrow never comes because tomorrow brings with it a further realization of a future that is uncertain.
Between starts and ends is the place where I want to be. To tether between the extremes, to find the balance amidst chaos and order and to be perpetually torn between two sides is what I have discovered, is my comfort. Maybe this way, I don't have to face what lies ahead or what was left behind. Maybe this way, I wouldn't be scared or get hurt anymore. Maybe in this way, I don't have to grow up and take responsibility.
So you're running away again. Why am I not surprised? You realize that you can possibly miss out on the thing that will make you whole again. Everyone's telling you that. Wake up and kiss the concrete, you can't run away forever.
But I can try. If there's anything I have grown used to, it's making things not matter... even myself. If they don't matter, they don't hurt. If they don't matter, there would be no disappointment. If they don't matter, everything's just... peachy. Don't you think so? I mean, we've been wrong a lot of times and that's because we jump the gun and follow our feelings all the damn time. It hurts being wrong, especially if it's something you want to believe in.
But doesn't it hurt more to stay like this? There is a difference in the kind of pain you are feeling. You are afraid of the pain that will last for a day, a week, a month or at most, a year yet you embrace a wound that bleeds quietly. You are dying, my friend and you're too deluded to even realize it.
It hurts being wrong? Sure it does, are you stupid? Who wants to be proven wrong? In the end, only God knows what's really right -- we're all pretty much in the dark here but that shouldn't stop you from facing what's coming. You can't run away forever. You can try but it all just snowballs. Your scars are there for a reason, they remind you of what not to do the next time -- you got me? Scars aren't meant to become wounds again.
But they do, they do. The past haunts the presents -- everything is relative, can't you see? It doesn't matter in the long run because there is an inevitable. So why not enjoy the time before the end? Why not stay in limbo until the it all comes apart? I shouldn't be particularly attached to anything or anyone because nothing ever lasts in this world of ours. I'm just being practical. At least, save myself from the pain and misery by just forgetting about things and not thinking about anything. Complete Abandon.
Then you are right back where you started from 8 harsh years ago. Nothing really changed then, Marty -- running away means you just went back down that dark road of yours. You would have then discarded everything you've ever built yourself on, you have then discarded the care and concern your friends have given you and furthermore, you throw away what love you have to offer and for what? To find a little slice of comfort... a little taste of relief... to die a slow death. You wasted them all for nothing save your demise.
Demise is inevitable. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment as it lasts.
Not like this you're not.
Riding the Lightning
10:25 PM
