Hey ****, I wonder what you're doing right now. I often wonder if what I haven't said changed things between us after all these months. I mean, we've known each other for a long time but you've always been beyond reach -- far from it even.

In fact sometimes, I wonder if you're even real. Honestly, often times I feel like I'm talking to a wall and it makes me feel really stupid to have even tried. Yet, amidst all that one reply seems to make me skyrocket to a kind of happiness I don't feel so often. And I think I'm hanging on to that for far too long... because it's starting to hurt. It would have been so much simpler if you said you hated me or didn't like me or that I'm an idiot rather than having to say we're okay because I'm not. I tried and I'm not okay.

There used to be a time when I could talk to you. Yeah, I don't know if you remember those times anymore but they happened and those times meant a lot to me. I didn't have to feel nervous or anxious about giving you a call or anything because you'd be there and you always gave me the time of day. I was happy with that at least since I somehow got the feeling that I did something right this time but now... it seems like it's all just going wrong.

Things change I admit. My voice falls on deaf ears now and I don't know whether or not I should keep hanging on to what joy I felt when you were around. Do I mean nothing to you now? God, I knew I shouldn't have done anything that would show my feelings. I didn't even have to say anything, you just somehow picked it up. ****, you shot me down before I even had a chance.

Did that change things? Even if you said, we'll still be friends like we always have been, I can't see that. You have your own world and I, mine -- I might not be a part of that world of yours but mine, mine revolves around you. "Like we've always have been"? I dunno, it sure doesn't feel the way it did. If not, it's like you aren't even here anymore. I don't know anymore, I'm confused -- what do you mean?

In any case, I won't be able to get any answers now. I try to keep our friendship alive but it can't live with a one-sided conversation. This isn't my feelings for you talking, this is my properly sane judgment. I really wanted us to work, even if we are going to be just friends but then again, if you want to keep this distance between us, it can't be helped.