Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Brief Lives
I certainly know a lot of things I don't know about and I certainly don't know a lot of thing I know about as well.
Example:
I know how a day is 24 hours yet it doesn't seem like a day would have passed by if you counted all 24 hours in it -- actually, you'd have a headache from the lack of sleep and you'd be hungry cuz by the late hours, you'd have digested everything you've had in the day. A day is from sunrise to sunset but if you watch the sky from sunrise to sunset, you don't say a day has went by (some people might) but most of the time, you never call it a day until you fall asleep. On the other hand, I don't know anything about change, being unpredictable and all -- but I do know change will always happen and is constantly happening. I know it's something I can't escape from and I know it far too intimately to discard it. I know change because for my whole life, it has always been there. I know it, like I know I have a shadow -- it's always at the back of your mind.
I bring these to mind because I stumbled into something as I was looking for something to read. In one of my comic books, I had written a note to myself telling me about who I am. Strange? That's exactly what I thought when I found it. It didn't take more than a few sentences and it wasn't really fancy with words -- it was blunt, straightforward and concise, it went straight to the point -- THIS is who I am.
I tried to remember the time I wrote this and I traced it back to going to that Neil Gaiman seminar in the Music Museum. I was kind of bummed for not having to ask my question to the man himself yet this was probably the one time I felt most alive. I felt alive because I knew that that was who I am -- that I loved writing and stories for than anything in the world. I never wanted to forget that tingling feeling of opening a new book or comic, neither the consuming passion whenever my fingers get typing. I wanted to preserve it, keep it locked up inside me so I will never have to doubt myself ever again. And I did, in a way, in that note I wrote to myself.
It said never to forget who I am at that moment and to keep living for the sake of that moment. No person was the cause of that, certainly no friend, loved one or relative was involved in this -- it was all for me. It didn't matter if I felt alone, I knew that I had something to live for despite my loneliness -- I never wanted to forget that. I do not need anyone to keep living because I know who I am.
Who I am is something I know and don't know at the same time but it doesn't matter because the fact of the matter is, all in all, it doesn't matter to anyone. Who in the world cares who the damn you are? People would only relate to you if they see you as something you are (or aren't). Who you are, matters only to you -- ONLY you. Knowing this makes me strong; it makes for the cold calculations I take in every aspect of my life. I am not lost anymore, I am found. I do not need to feel the need to be sad or angry anymore -- it's pointless and I'm tired. The people that hurt me can get bent.
Life is too short; Life is too brief.
It shouldn't be this hard... no, not anymore.
Riding the Lightning
1:27 AM
