Monday, November 12, 2007
i hope i never have to live a life again.
anger is something i have accustomed myself with. i haven't been happy in a long time partly because i feel a lot of rage and anger build up inside me, making it impossible for me to believe in anything that might relieve me of it. happiness is but an ideal ive given up on... with finality.
i hope never to be happy again.
life can take it's best shots at me and il take em. yeah, il take em because that's the only way. there is no gold at the end of the rainbow neither a cloud with a silver lining. I do not want to believe in that anymore... it's misleading and stupid just like me and everyone else. it's all stupid, i hate it. i hate having to live a life of disappointments. i have more time asking myself why i was born in the first place... born to a place where all i get is hurt. i hereby make no reference to anything ive learned from teachers, professors or friends -- ive known this for a long time; life is full of pain.
i feel so much pain right now... because of a lot of things and it feels like i have no one to turn to anymore. i feel lonely yet it's a loneliness that doesn't feel right anymore -- it's an agonizing feeling of being abandoned, thrown away and ultimately, defeated. I feel defeated even before i get started in this world, what happens when i really do step into the real world then? being angry at the world is childish and being angry at myself just makes it worse... so what have i left to do... but to embrace my despair with arms wide open, crying all the while because i couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.
accept it.
it stabs at me every time i wake up and it hurts every time i go to sleep. what relief do i have of the constant pain in my chest? im slowly drowning in a vast empty ocean where no one can hear you scream. i dont even know why i bother to try to be happy, il just accept it and maybe i can stop getting hurt. you can't hurt a broken person. you can't break a broken heart anymore. it won't hurt if you have no where left to stab me.
it won't matter if i don't matter.
that i guess is the end of this pathetic sentence. just grow up, get a life and try to die with whatever dignity you have left. you have no one to blame but yourself and by your hands, you shape your life into what you want it to be while hopeful to most, it's a painful and defeating mantra for those who have accepted their hapless fates.
i hope i never have to live a life again.
Riding the Lightning
9:41 PM
